Review Revue

The only important thing that could ever be important about a thing, no matter what that thing may be

July 19, 2008

Is apparently whether Lindy West liked it or not.

Please, don’t mistake me for a person who doesn’t acknowledge that all human beings are basically self centered, and writers are possibly the worst of all. I am not that person. I am not going to offer any evidence to support that statement, I’m going to expect you to take it at face value. In that respect, Lindy West and I are very similar people.

Now that we’ve established that writers are self important douchebags to begin with, and that I, a writer, am cognizant of that fact, let’s move on to why Lindy West is the douchiest of them all. Why it is that I have, in fact, declared her a scooby dooby douchebag.
Now, you’re thinking it’s because in every review she has ever written, she fails to actually review the thing she is supposedly reviewing. That’s a fair basis for a diagnosis of douche, to be sure, but that’s not really the biggest issue I have with her “work”.

You’re wracking your brains, trying to remember one interesting or unique feature of her writing right now, aren’t you, to help you figure out just what it is I might hate so much? If you are, you’ll probably dig up some vague recollection of fluffy worthless ideas, but no specifics. You might dredge up the fact that she has almost never written an entire review without saying the word shit at least twice. This isn’t annoying because I’m a prude who has no tolerance for obscenity, it’s annoying because goddammit, synonyms exist for a reason, and thesauri exist to alert you to which synonym might give you a helping hand whenever you’re tempted to just play with suffixes instead of developing a functional vocabulary.

Neither of these things are the primary reason that Lindy West needs to never touch any sort of writing utensil ever again.

Are you ready? Here it comes, the number one reason for this pile of invective and bile directed at a relatively tiny person:

Hold your breath, take a seat, make sure your pants are fastened tightly.

Lindy West desperately wants you to like her, and she needs you to think that she is clever, charming and just the kind of girl you want to date, fuck, hire or be best friends with.

That’s it. That’s what makes her absolutely insufferable. Read her review below. Then read the interview below that, by one Shane Mehling.

I think once you’ve done these two things, you’ll understand what I’m saying. It’s okay, actually, to not review the thing you’re supposed to be reviewing. I totally understand that the prospect of watching/listening to/reading some things is so heinous that the brain simply cannot be forced to endure it. I do. I really am a reasonable person, and I try to see situations from all possible angles.

However. If you’re going to choose the protection of your brain and senses over your job, please do so on a somewhat less than constant basis, and above all things, be good at it. Make us laugh. Make us forget that you haven’t done what you presumably get paid to do, at all. Stop being, in turns, ridiculously pleased with yourself and so insecure it drips off the page.

But most of all? Just stop annoying me. Because the most important thing about everything ever isn’t whether Lindy West enjoyed it. It’s whether I did. Obviously.

Lindy West, a randomly selected example used to illustrate just how pointless and lackluster a “review” can be.

Shane Mehling, delivering a Mortal Kombat style fatal blow to an album, also without ever actually reviewing it.

There’s nothing more to say, following that.

-tired pseudonym not indicating cowardice at all, no sir.


Lindy West Liked High School Musical. Or did she hate it? Who the hell can tell?

July 14, 2008
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You know what would be awesome? If I could get and keep a job writing for a well known and (arguably) well liked local paper by taking other people’s ideas and opinions, rewriting them slightly with repetitive and boring language, and foisting them upon the reading public. That would be fantastic, and I think I could totally do it. The only problem I’m having is that someone beat me to it, and that someone? Is Lindy West.

Take her “review” of the High School Musical films. No, take it, please. (Benny Hill jokes are always funny. Fuck you if you disagree.)

So, we start with the admission, apparently free of guilt, that the author of this review reads US Weekly. Now, I don’t want to be judgemental, and I don’t want to make broad sweeping statements, but anyone who reads US Weekly anytime other than when trapped in a waiting room or checkout line? Is a fucking moron and should never be listened to on any subject, ever.

We move on to find that this article is inspired by a party invitation the “author” received, for a viewing party dedicated to watching the High School Musical movies. Superb. So you admit that it wasn’t even your idea to write this incredibly bad, irrelevant review? I appreciate your honesty.

And what’s this, in the very next paragraph? Thinly veiled racism that, if someone called you out on, you’d insist was ironic? Classy, Lindy, classy. Yes, let’s, throughout the entire terrible review, refer to one character in the movie as “the black one” while naming everyone else specifically. Cool. That’s exactly right. I don’t think you could have done anything more flawlessly you than that. It’s good that you stay true to yourself, and to how relentlessly terrible you are.

The rest of the “review” is riddled with sentence fragments, vague references to the plot of the film, and a whole lot of quotes from the films, presumably used so that the “writer” wouldn’t actually have to write anything.

I do so love it when a “review” manages to contain racism, laziness, theft, and just plain shit-tastic writing.

Thank you ever so, Lindy West. No one is quite as uniquely godawful as you, and for that? We salute you.

– tired pseudonym indicating cowardice or a strong sense of self preservation.

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